Today, August 20, is the anniversary of my marriage to Paige. Even though she died a year and a half ago, I celebrate the memory of her. I extol the joys, the jokes, the journey of nearly 57 years together, all of which created a marvelous love story. True, my celebration is not an occasion of hats and horns, music, and dancing. It is a satisfying recall of two lives together well lived.

Our marriage was not perfect. Paige was not perfect. I am not perfect. But my, oh my, oh my! how we felt God’s forgiveness, guidance, tolerance, and blessings through those years; blessings abounding far beyond what we could have hoped or imagined. From the beginning, we often said, “One lifetime will not be enough.” It wasn’t. Even through the onslaught of her devastating disease in her last few years; its physically harrowing degeneration of her body. She faced it all fearlessly, with overflowing faith, and joy in our nearness.

I still smile about some of my dumb doings Paige tolerated—and often redeemed. I wondered why she stayed with me—I usually said so. She always retorted with a wry grin, “I just couldn’t face training another one.” And, she did a yeoman’s job of training this “Sow’s Ear.” She took this scrawny kid (well I was—back then) out of Deepstep creek and did a better-than-fair job of polishing, pushing, and pouring good into him.

Paige’s Magnum Opus is our two daughters that she wrangled into adulthood—all the while teaching elementary school, earning her second masters degree, and making a marvelous home for us. Both daughters now have wonderful families, and careers in the “helping others” column; one a public school teacher and the other a published author. Each one with a masters degree in her own field and a marvelous infusion of Paige’s culinary skills; most of which they learned as they absorbed “The Paige Method”—especially each year at Christmas. Paige turned out Southern Living–quality open-house spreads, Sunday School parties, and birthday parties.

Celebrating my love life with Paige is one more way of healing my grief; John Pavlovitz said it better; When someone you love dies, there’s a part of you that dies too—the part of you that is pieced into the memories you both shared. You will always be the (husband)…but the relationship is forever changed. The memories are still there, but then comes the grief of not being able to relive those memories again—either in real-time or in stories. To have that person fill in the gap when the memory starts to fade. But it’s more than that. They knew you as a person and in ways that no one else will. There is grief in the loss of your shared story.

Today I rehearse our shared story, not with soppy sentiment, but with joy-filled memories—I rejoice in our shared story. Regrets cannot repair wrongs of the past; they only detract from and spoil the present. Hopes for the future are mere illusions. Yet memories can be cherished, becoming a finely appointed landscape of one’s interior self.

Paige carved out a cherished and indelible place in our home and lives. Large and little cubby holes and shrines populate my memories and those of our family. Pictures can help to recall, but memories are dynamic. Sometimes it is interesting—sometimes even funny— how our family remembers the same events differently; adding texture in sharing our journey. Today I celebrate those memories as Bob Hope sang—

Thanks for the memory
Of sentimental verse
Nothing in my purse
And chuckles
When the preacher said
For better or for worse
How lovely –(they are!) (written by Ralph Rainger and Lee Robin)

John Will Voss and I were sloshing around the swampy environs of Deepstep Creek. We came to something of an impasse at a rivulet too wide to step across. There were two Tupelo  Poplar saplings in the middle of the rivulet about two feet out; swamp grass clumped around them. They seemed to offer possible stepping places for crossing the rivulet. John Will said, “Wait! Let’s check to see if we can trust that they are stationary.” He poked each clump with the blunt end of his bamboo pole, and determined that we could trust them as footholds for crossing over. And trust we did!

The word trust provides a variety of meanings; “I will trust you to take care of your little sister while I go down to the mailbox.” Or “I trust you to drive carefully and get home safely,” or “You have a Trust Fund.” These days, we have a glaring awareness that Trust carries heavy freight. Lack of trust undermines and rips at our social fabric; we can see its ruinous results at many levels.

A local TV Station has a program segment called “Verify.” When the station receives a question about an issue, whether it seems to be untrue or true, a news team digs to the bottom to verify its truth, or reveal its falsehood. As I was writing this, a questionable rumor was reported to be circulating on social media; later, after careful research, the rumor was revealed to be false. One could hope the TV station’s effort is a bellwether of corrective actions to come. Ronald Reagan said, “Trust, but verify.”

This from Psychology Today: Trust—or the belief that someone or something can be relied on to do what they say they will—is a key element of social relationships and a foundation for cooperation. It is critical for romantic relationships, friendships, interactions between strangers, and social groups on a large scale, and a lack of trust in such scenarios can come with serious consequences. Indeed, society as a whole would likely fail to function in the absence of trust.

Trust is mostly built over time; there are exceptions, such as in combat or great crisis. Yes, trust can be risky; but it can be immensely rewarding to build strong trust—in a friend, your mate, an institution, or leaders. Yet. Trust can be destroyed in a nanosecond. Solid trust must be nurtured. Jesus gave a clear example of trust-building in Luke’s Gospel:  Much will be expected from the one who has been given much, and the more a man is trusted, the more people will expect of him.” (Read the story).

The Boy Scouts understand the need to build and nurture trust as well as basic character strengths. Every troop meeting begins as the Scouts repeat the Scout Law; also at every merit badge and advancement interview; “A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.” “Trustworthy” is first.

We human beings have a deep need for solid personal relationships. Family ties tend to come first, but a personal relationship with a friend develops through deep trust. Cornel West said, “We have to recognise that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence.”
― And. In Proverbs find one of the most memorized trust verses;

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    don’t rely on your own intelligence.
⁶ Know him in all your paths,
    and he will keep your ways straight.

After Moses led the Children of Israel out generations of slavery in Egypt, he was exhausted and frustrated. He shared his concerns with his father-in-law, Jethro; who pointed out to Moses he needed to organize and delegate. Jethro told Moses to select trustworthy people, assign leadership roles, and trust them to do their job. Moses found those leaders, trusted them, “…and the rest,” as they say, “is history.”

When Melanie, our first child was born, I was the Methodist Campus Minister at Georgia Southern Wesley Foundation. When I left the hospital that morning I went on campus to my “counseling spot” in the student center. I joyfully told one of my students, “My wife gave me a baby girl this morning!” His friend overheard me, and said, “Man! I’ll bet you are disappointed it wasn’t a boy!” I shot back, “No! I’m happy! It takes someone special to be the father of a girl!”

I was wrong. It is the girl who is someone special, not me. Speaking of which, later we had another “someone special.” Both girls were born into our family in the same hospital, by the same doctor; grew up in the same household. But they are as different as peaches and tomatoes; I love them both (these girls and the fruit—and, yes, tomato is fruit). I won’t bore you with facts, fun, and fumbles of our lives together. I will tell you, their growing up into adulthood in our home was an adventure: comfort, capers, calm, crisis, and culminating into joyful memories—some more so than others.

Jesus had such a place in Bethany. It was less than seven miles from Jerusalem. I call it his second home. There were differences there, too. Visits there were sometimes celebrations. There were times of sadness. But always everyone there was someone special. I hope each person in your life is someone special. The “specialness” is there. If you don’t see it. look for it; an immensely rewarding venture. Such searching is contrary to our present culture.

A few decades ago, Will Cuppy wrote a book, The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody. He carefully researched and copiously documented (he made over 15,000 notes) faults, foibles, and failures of an array of famous people in history; Alexander the Great, Cleopatra, Richard The Lionhearted, many others. His point is what we all know, we all are flawed people. Anyone’s imperfections can be magnified in one way or another. It becomes a problem if malice drives the search.

Redemption is yet another matter; it is the focus the Apostle Paul held for the church at Rome. He calls on us all to let God remould our minds from within. That means starting at our core. Recently a big beautiful Oak tree crashed to the ground in our neighborhood . The reason? It was rotten at the core Fortunately, we are not like that Oak tree. No matter how flawed we may be,We can be renewed from within. Be Someone Special to someone.

Why do we say, “Pay attention?” I can think of myriad ways that term is used; its meanings are as various. It is not as if we mean, “You owe a debt to attention.” Yet, it could have that meaning—so stay tuned. If we lived in a bartering society, the term “pay attention” very well could carry significant freight. Merriam-Webster defines Pay; to give in return for goods or service.

So let’s go with that definition; In today’s society, time is a commodity. Blocks of time are sold for advertising, studios for musicians’ practice and recording, lawyers, psychotherapists, to name a few. Some of those time blocks are carved into nanoseconds. Money is to be made.

Now let’s get back to the simple admonition; “Pay attention!” Whether it is said by your teacher, driving instructor, or your mate it carries significant freight; it means giving up distractions (well, you don’t think of them as distractions—you can multitask! —you continue telling yourself.) To pay attention means you will spend (another variation of pay) your time looking, listening, or whatever the occasion demands to have you totally absorbed in the here-and-now.

To pay attention while driving, not only can help improve your driving, but possibly save you from a serious if not fatal accident. How you pay attention to your teacher could very likely result in career success. Paying attention to your mate results in a golden relationship. Paying Attention, is immersing yourself in the moment.

Scientific studies have proven that successful multitasking is a myth. Oh! Sure, you say, I can practice a speech while dressing for the day. You can, memorize a poem or scripture while driving your car. The reality is that neither is done really well. The National Safety Council reports that more than one and a half million automobile crashes happen every year driving while using cell phone. It is nearly impossible to pay attention, fully, to two things at once.

There is a story in the Gospel of Luke where two sisters, Martha and Mary, gave a meal for Jesus and his disciples in their home. While Martha complained that Mary was not helping prepare the meal, Jesus pointed out to Martha that she was distracted, and missed something important going on right in her home. On another occasion, Jesus pointed out how crucial it is to pay attention; to put first things first; an idea that has become a fundamental principle for many Time Management leaders.

To pay attention is to give value to the person you are with or to the task you perform. An example of how important it is to pay attention; think back to a conversation in which the other person was distracted. You felt devalued. When you pay attention, you not only increase the value of that moment for yourself, you also increase your value to that person.

I have never been a good gardner, and I have a few verifying stories; My first garden was, in a manner of speaking, a hilarious horror story. I was offered a plot of fallow land to try my hand at gardening. I’m guessing it was about a half acre. I hired a local man to prepare the soil, lay out rows, and plant the entire plot. I only had a hoe and a rake for cultivating. You already know this will not end well.

The hired man planted squash, cucumbers, beans, corn, and, I think, watermelons. My garden was about a half mile from home. Every morning I went eagerly to check on the plants. As they began to sprout, I grabbed my hoe and chopped grass and weeds. The rows were long. It seemed that before I got to the end of a row, weeds were already popping up at the other end. I learned (too late) from a neighbor that the plot was known for its infestation of crabgrass. Guess who won.

My next, and final attempt at a garden was some years later. The plot was no larger than a gravestone (simile intended). I planted radishes, tomatoes, and eggplants. The tomatoes succumbed to aggressive tomato worms. The eggplants produced cute little purple products , harvested waaay too early by a couple of little blonde-headed girls. The radishes came up like gangbusters, but didn’t provide a great deal of produce, because—this, too, a later learned lesson;I didn’t thin the radishes. Those beautiful little plants looked too healthy to rip out! I was averse to ripping up any of them.

But I did learn some lessons. One; Plan carefully; and smart (both would’ve saved me from the crabgrass). Jesus gave some good advice about the uncertainty of the future. Lesson two: “Don’t bite off more than you can chew.” Jesus also made a point about that; count the costs, he admonished his hearers.

I think my most important lesson was that in order to assure healthy, sustainable growth—in a garden, lawn, or in life, is learning to prune appropriately. It kinda relates the the other lessons I mentioned. It is important to choose carefully what, how, and who takes up space in your head or heart, or your garden. It is not always rubbish that crowds out the good. Sometimes the “good” as in mediocre, or good intentions crowd in displacing “Better.”

A story out of the 1800’s tells of a boy who heard the circus was coming to town. He, saw posters about it, and begged to go. He managed to earn the dollar admission and excitedly went to see the circus. He saw a crowd, and heard the band. Making his way through the crowd to the street; the colorful circus wagons with caged animals rolledby; he saw the marching band, the tall man on stilts, and trapeze artists passing by. One of the clowns came by and reached out to shake hands. The boy handed him his dollar and rushed home to tell he had been to the circus!

It is a sad parable of hoping for bounty, not inquiring deeply, and being satisfied with too little; seeing the parade is not experiencing the circus. I am convinced that it is God’s plan for us to experience the entire circus—the fullness of His kingdom, now and forever. Yet, our tendency is to grow our lives like I grew my sad gardens; trying to go it all alone without a plan, allowing avarice to drive our goals; being unwilling to offload hindering baggage. And. That is kinda strange, because Jesus said if we follow him, his payload is light.

“A gilded cage,” or “Fool’s Gold” are likely metaphors for haplessly chasing something shiny. Very likely every one of us has been bedazzled by the siren of some temptress, on one level or another. It becomes a problem, if not a disaster, if you sell your life (or soul) for some bejeweled fantasy. “A Bird in a Gilded Cage” was written in 1900 by Arthur J. Lamb and Harry Von Tilze. This “tear-jerker” is said to have sold over two million copies of its sheet music. I’ve wondered if its tug was due to a “glad-it’s-not-me” sense of relief, or was it a sympathetic moan,”Oh! You Poor Thing?” Here are a few lines from the song….

…happiness cannot be bought with gold,
Altho’ she’s a rich man’s bride. She’s only a bird in a gilded cage,
A beautiful sight to see,
You may think she’s happy and free from care,
She’s not tho’ she seems to be,
‘Tis sad when you think of her wasted life,
For youth cannot mate with age,
And her beauty was sold for an old man’s gold,
She’s a bird in a gilded cage.

I risk sketching an imposing narrative on wrong-headed relationships—human-to-human, or human-to-obsession. Instead, you need only to rake your brain to uncover your own index of similar sad stories. It need not be. Human choices, though complicated, to one degree or another, remain, well, human choices. When faced with a dubious choice, do you make clear-headed evaluation before acting? How many times did your mother say, “If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?”

The Book of Ecclesiastes speaks to this issue; they envy the things their neighbors have.  And in a classic of Aesop’s Fables, a wild Ass grouses about his state of affairs; this wild Ass salivated for the apparently luscious life of a tame Ass. As it turns out, appearances are deceiving—The wild one learns that the tame Ass endures beatings and other severe treatment. This discovery is an epiphany; his own conditions, while not perfect, now seem to be quite satisfactory.

There is a legend that God invited humans to bring their burdens to the altar and leave them there forever; in doing so, each person must take on the burden of someone else. As it turns out, each person in choosing, finally decides to take back his original burden. The grass on the other side only seems greener! Moses transcribed this dictation from God: Do not covet. Merriam Webster defines covet; to desire (what belongs to another) inordinately or culpably,

Jesus takes a dramatic tack; Give more than is asked or expected of you. As usual his teachings are radical. Yes. He often upends things and relationships. “We are The World,” the 1985 charity song, written by Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie, caught on like wildfire. It seemed that the Universe resonated with its theme. Could it be that we really are “the world;”

We can’t go on
Pretending day-by-day
That someone, somewhere soon make a change
We’re all a part of God’s great big family
And the truth, you know, love is all we need. We are the world...

And. The Book of Genesis makes it clear; we are responsible for each other…even the ones we don’t like, or those who don’t like us. If there is to be a better world, or better conditions, or greener grass, you and I play a larger role than we realize in bringing it to fruition.